Fish owner caught red banded.

Oroville CA,

May 10, 09

An Oroville fish owner was caught "red banded" tonight after a botched fish store robbery. Authorities say that Jed Zepherhammer, an 85 year old Oroville man was apprehended this evening outside the "Aquatic connections" fish emporium in down town Oroville. Apparently Jed broke into Aquatic connections after closing, armed with a garden hose, a net some plastic baggies and a swim mask. Jed entered the emporium with the misguided intentions of freeing the extremely rare "Red Banded Booby Koi". The Red Banded Booby Koi is an awkward looking fish found in the remote waters of south Jersey.

"This particular breed of Koi is equipped with rather large mammary glands used to search the murky depths for food" Said Silvio Spumoni, the owner of Aquatic connections.

Silvio has been raising Red Banded Boobies for over 20 years.

"I don't really blame the old feller for trying to take her; they are beautiful creatures, the way they swing as they swim.... the way they like to press their "feelers" up against the glass............"

According to authorities Jed who was reminded of his recently deceased wife when he saw the Red Banded Booby, felt compelled to bring the $5000 fish home where he planned to dress it in his wives clothing and keep it in the bath tub. Blinded by his lust, Jed failed to notice neither the guard goats nor the alarm system protecting the emporium.

"I am a pretty good swimmer for an old feller" Commented Mr. Zepherhammer. "I would have made it if it weren't fer them guard goats!"

According to the authorities, after entering the store Jed encountered Bessie and Tinkerbelle the guard goats of the emporium.

"Them goats was mean!" Real mean! Why they chewed up my breathin hose while I was trying to get my Shirley into the net, couldn't breathe et all!"

Jed was found by Gordie Munger a passerby that noticed the commotion in the window display tank.

"There he was, this old man, turning purple for lack of air trying to net a fish with one hand and pull a garden hose out of a goats mouth with the other. If I hadn't broken the glass, he'd of drown for sure"

Authorities say that when they arrived on the scene they found Jed waving the bagged Red Banded Booby in front of the goats and Mr. Munger like a frantic matador.

"They was all after my Shirley" said Mr. Zepherhammer.

"Well, I couldn't help it commented Mr. Munger. They had to be solid c-cups and the way the old man was waving her around in front of those sharp goat horns, he was bound to pop em!" Authorities are still sorting out all of the evidence and it is unsure if charges will be pressed against Mr. Zepherhammer or not. One thing is for sure, until the evidence is sorted, no one will be ogling any wet boobies tonight.