An open letter to the women of Seaside

Many of you do not know this but for the last year and a half I have been conducting a study in the tradition of Jane Goodall. Jane lived for many years among the apes. So deeply did she infiltrate their society that males actually began to proposition her to mate. The same is happening to me only instead of apes, I live amongst the toothless rabble that inhabits Seaside Oregon.

Jane dedicated her life to preserving the apes she came to love so dearly, similarly, I am dedicating my morning not to preserve but to save Seaside from breeding itself back to the Stone Age. The males of the Seaside species are to far gone to accept or even understand the help I offer so I must instead focus my efforts to the women. What follows is an open letter to any and all Seaside women with internet access (which in truth limits the audience to about 12).

Dear Women of Seaside,

You all know me. I am the good-looking guy with the great job, nice vehicle, clean house, good morals and all of my teeth. At one time or another, you have all lain offerings of love, sex and bad cooking at my feet. I have rejected these offerings, all of them. I could see the frustration on your faces as I gave you the “Its not you, its me” speech, I could see the wheels of your small minds turning. You were probably wondering, “Didn’t I show enough cleavage”? “Did I not make it clear that I put out”? “Doesn’t he understand that smoking so much pot makes me laid back”? Fear not women, you have indelibly marked (scarred) my mind with such details.

Ladies, it may come as a shock to you but in your limited evolution from babe to woman, you were ill equipped with the proper tools to attract any but the men native to Seaside. Let us summarily, examine what you are doing wrong.

1. Driving a slightly scaled down version of the truck “Big Foot” and blaring “My Give a damn’s busted” is likely not communicating what you might hope. Rather than telling the decent man you desire to attract that you enjoy the outdoors, driving such a vehicle merely reveals to him that you are a backwoods redneck with a third grade education, a lazy eye and most likely have a can of Copenhagen in your back pocket.

2. There are certain items that should NOT be found in your wardrobe, ever! These items include but are not limited to, spandex, oversized Tweetie bird tee- shirts, tee- shirts with depictions of sea life, cardhart jackets or pants, muumuu’s and jeans that you have painstakingly graffiti’ed with a common marker. To wear any of the above items communicates the man you hope to woo that you are either a backwoods redneck with a third grade education , a lazy eye and most likely have a can of Copenhagen in your back pocket, or that you grew up in a trailer and take one or more anti psychotic pills that were actually prescribed by a doctor.

3. Your mastery of the English language needs much improvement. Approaching the man of your dreams with “Hey! I seen you before”, will not turn his head. Re-enlist in your GED class and this time, pay attention. If you wish to know what your current vocabulary communicates to the decent man, read 1 and 2.

4. If we see or find out that you have ever slept with or dated one of the homeless looking (and smelling) local men, your chances with us will die. If you would like to know why, read 1 and 2.

5. Contrary to the much held local belief, METH DOES NOT MAKE YOU SEXY! Sure it has its endearing qualities like the mustache of beaded sweat, the jerky movements, the jaundice colored skin and the use of Seaside dialect (see number 3) but if we ever discover that you have so much as experimented with it, we will run!

6. You will not entice your hearts desire into your home by telling him that you have a “bottle” (booze) and you want him to help you drink it. In fact if the only decoration (and consequently, the only entertainment) at one of your parties, is a bottle of some cheap liquor, you are an alcoholic. Check your-self into rehab and try your true love again in a year or two. If you wish to know what we think of alcoholic women, read numbers 1, 2, and 3.

7. If you smoke pot more than once a month (and that is pushing it), we will lump you in with numbers 1, 2 and 3.

8. If your Myspace or any other online profile lists your sexual orientation as bi and you are wearing any of the contraband clothing from number 2 in your “pic’s”, we will avoid you like the plague.

9. Patchouli oil does not count as perfume. I’m sorry but the secret is out, if you wear it, we will know that you do not shower. If we believe that you do not shower, you will be lumped into numbers 1, 2, 3 and most likely 4.

10. If you have never read a non picture book, do so. It is not as difficult as your parents and friends tell you and it is a required experience if you wish to date the decent guy.

Although I have not delved into all of the romance killing methods you ladies so often employ, I do believe that I have touched upon all of the “deal breakers”. It is my humble prayer that you will take this letter to heart and make use of its guidance. If you do, Seaside will quickly cease its evolutionary slide back to the sea.

Cheers,

King