The find of a lifetime

I just made the find of a lifetime! I discovered the journal of a real honest to God, card carrying Vampire. What this Vampire speaks of in his journal is earth shattering... it WILL change your life. Strap yourself in and prepare for some ancient wisdom...


June 16th, 2009
Portland Oregon... still...

Somebody stole my last journal(day shift bastards) so I am starting over, from the beginning.


In the beginning, there was darkness, and in the darkness lived a whole crap load of darkness dwelling critters, chief among them… Vampires. Seriously, those were the good old days. Everything was dark. There was no sun, no stars, no moon, even the chocolate was dark (dark and delicious). We Vampires ruled the world. Humans back then were pathetic pale, hairless little creatures that all seemed to resemble Woody Allen, and never gave us any grief. And why should they? We threw the best parties on the planet. We invented music, chairs, hicky’s and those wonderful Lil Smokey sausages. Life was a giant freaking cake walk until God came along.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday. There I am, enjoying the darkness when God was like…
“Let there be light.”
I was like, what in the hell that spawned me is LIGHT? So God gathered all of us Vampires up and told us how he had this great idea to make something even cooler than the darkness. We were like…
“Dude, your God. If you say this light stuff is gonna be good… lay it on us.”
Mistake!
So God snaps his fingers and BAM… instant migraine and third degree sunburns for the whole world. Just a side note, no, the sun will not vaporize us. We are light sensitive and those first few sunburns really freaked a lot of us out… besides there is way more cool stuff going on at night anyways…
So God makes light (lame) and turns our world on its head. Now we’re spending 12 hours a day hiding in holes and caves while the humans are totally messing with all of our stuff. I mean, hello, humans; we can hear you up there… ugh. An un-house broken human peed on my favorite chair… it was a tough time for us Vampires.
I think that’s when some of us snapped and started sucking human blood. Side note number two, no, we don’t prefer to suck your blood. I mean, gross. Look Vampires suck, it’s our thing. Some of us suck the juice out of oranges and some of us suck the jelly out of donuts. What you humans don’t seem to understand is that it’s the SUCKING that is important here. Later, some of our women caught on to this human marriage thing, and learned to suck the fun out of life. I admit, after my first divorce, I did kill some humans for that… they were ugly though so…
Flash forward a few thousand years and a new branch of the human race comes into existence that at first seemed promising to us… Goth kids. Goth kids, once they took hold and became a true force in society, made it not weird to be roaming the streets at night, sucking. For a while there, some of us were even letting the Goth kids hang out with us.
Mistake!
Just so you know, I effing hate Goth kids. Because of those whinny little bustards I have only two choices when watching late night television… infomercials or Vampire movies depicting us getting staked in the heart… sleeping in coffins… flying around like night fairies… OK, side note number three, we do NOT like sleeping in tombs or coffins. Have you ever tried to sleep in a coffin? I have and let me tell you, they are horrible. Imagine sleeping in an uncomfortable mummy style sleeping bag and then multiply that times four billion and you will be getting close to what sleeping in a coffin is like. And as for tombs… OK, so in the old days they were a decent place to nap but come on! We have standards you know.
So anyway, now all these Goth kids want to be like us and avoid the sun. They roam the night, which they call the darkness, acting all… I don’t know… sucky? Now whenever I go out at night, all the non Goth people are like… ooh, look at the Goth kid. I mean I hear it like ten times EVERY night. I deliver pizza’s so, you know… it gets old.
And why are the Goth kids always either super fat or incredibly skinny? What’s up with that?
It has gotten so bad that a number of my brethren have started migrating to Alaska, living in the woods, sucking nature stuff. I’m just not a wilderness guy… ya know what I mean? Maybe I will go to Florida, I hear its sort of a Goth free zone.
So, anyways, that’s my rant for tonight. As always, if you find this journal, please return it to the Dominoes Pizza on 134th and Stark… I work the night shift. If you read it, that’s cool, just don’t let it fall into the wrong hands or any of that stuff….